A Day at the Races

I’ve always wanted to get into professional sports. With limited height, speed, and talent, my dreams of entering as a participant were shot down early. With a limited bankroll and limited earning potential (the Powerball basically, and that won’t cut it either) my dreams of ownership were shot down years ago too. I’ve sized up unborn children, and they do not look promising either. That leaves two options. The first is streaking across a major league baseball field. The second is racing our dogs. Thankfully we have dachshunds and not some non-racing breed like collies or corgis. So, with that in mind, Couper/Godiva’s Mommy and I went to Wiener Mania at Phoenix Greyhound Park this weekend to check out the Dachshund races.

We decided that we were not going to enter Couper or Godiva in the races this year. Having never seen dachshund racing before, we wanted to check it out to see, (1) if we actually wanted to race them in the future, (2) which of our dogs (or both) we might enter in the future, and (3) if this was fun in the sun, or cutthroat competition. Despite the invitation to bring non-participating dachshunds, we went puppy-less so that we could spend our time scouting and not worrying who was pooping where or who was attacking whom.

As we pulled into the greyhound park (by the way, does every city have an ordinance that the greyhound park has to be in the lousy part of town?), we saw a lot of people had brought their dachshunds. Two things were readily apparent. First, these dogs looked like dachshunds, but they were very well behaved. None of the dachshunds were charging people while the sister dachshund was echo barking. This confused and amazed us. The second thing we noticed was how thin these dachshunds were. Every once in a while someone will say to us that Couper or Godiva is getting a little pudgy. We know they are a couple of pounds heavy, but we also are pretty sure they are tweeners, somewhere between a miniature and a full-sized dachshund. However, most of the dachshunds at Wiener Mania were way thinner than either Couper or Godiva. We were not sure if that was because they were trained to race, or if our dogs are just plain heavy. As we found out, these dogs were not trained to race. Couper and Godiva are now on a diet. Kindergarten (for Godiva at least) is also on the to-do list. If nothing else, Wiener Mania made us feel like the worst dachshund parents ever. And, yes, we paid money and gave up a Sunday afternoon to feel bad about ourselves.

The mania began with a dachshund parade on the track. Dachshunds and their owners essentially walked the 50 yards or so that some of them would later race on. It was the cutest thing ever. Many of the dachshunds were dressed up. Dresses, cowboy hats, football jerseys, wigs. I’m not big on dressing dogs, but in this context it was kind of cute. I could see Godiva’s Mommy’s brain spinning out of control picking out Godiva’s wardrobe for next year.

The website that we read prior to going showed 64 dachshunds racing in 8 heats. When we got there, the program showed 96 dachshunds racing in 12 heats. This was good news on two fronts. One, more dachshund racing. Two, a better chance for Couper/Godiva to get in next year. Entry is based on raising funds for the Adopt a Greyhound charity. According to the website, the top 44 fundraisers got guaranteed slots. The next 20 slots were drawn randomly. I am not sure how they got from 64 racers to 96. Maybe there was a massive tie for 44th. Maybe the entrants were so cute, they could not turn them away. Anyhow, we can only hope for 128 participants next year. Fundraising sounds difficult. We want to rely on cute.

A standard greyhound race is 550 yards which is roughly one and a quarter laps (I know this not because I know the first thing about greyhound racing, rather that they have “550 Yards” plastered on the greyhound starting gates – kind of like how things were labeled in the old Batman show – “Bat Computer”). The dachshund course was laid out on what would be the home stretch of the greyhound course. The finish line was the same, I guess so they could use the photo finish technology if needed. About 50 yards away was the starting gate. They used a smaller variation of the greyhound starting gate, with a lever to raise the gates in front for a fair start.

Each dachshund racer had two human team members with it. One person took the dachshund to the starting gate. The other person was positioned on a line drawn about 5 yards behind the finish line. The goal was for the dachshund to run from the person at the gate to the person at the finish line. Just prior to post time, the starting person held the dachshund on top of the gate to find their person at the finish line, each of whom was jumping, waving, and squeezing toys.

Now, in a previous post, I took exception to people who laugh at dachshunds. I still hold firm to those beliefs. However, these races were hilarious. Each heat was the same. Upon lifting the gate, one, at most two, dachshunds took off sprinting towards their person at the finish line. The other six or seven racers meandered out of the gate took a few steps, and then turned looking for their person behind the starting gate. Rarely did any amount of encouragement from the starting person or the finish line person help these dachshunds actually run the race. Keep in mind that the top two places advanced to the semi-finals, so in each race, there was a clear cut winner, and then a significant delay as the other seven racers were wandering around the starting line. After about ten seconds of racelessness, anarchy ruled. The start people would come out from behind the starting gate to move their racer along one way or another. Mostly they ran down the course and if they were lucky, their dachshund followed. The less lucky had to back track and either push or carry their dachshund to the finish line. Clearly our fears of this being cutthroat competition were quelled.

We took in three sets of heats (9 races in all). That, along with the two greyhound races they insisted upon having in between, took two and a half hours. That was more than enough for us to scout and get sun burnt. Total damage for the day: $6 admission, $25 dachshund souvenirs (they saw us coming), $0 gambling losses. I was thinking about wagering on the greyhounds. I figured I would try to pick the first race without actually betting. As they paraded the greyhounds out I chose what looked to be a fine athlete, #3. Strangely, on the board, he seemed to be the longshot. On the front stretch my #3 was looking OK (by the way, the greyhounds chase a mechanical rabbit instead of racing towards their owner – not nearly as fun). The first turn clearly pointed out my puppy’s weakness. He couldn’t corner. As all the other dogs hugged the inside rail, my dog meandered to the outside rail. Race over. He finished dead last. Made Santa’s Little Helper look like Secretariat. In the long run, it was good, because he taught me a valuable lesson: don’t bet money on something you think you might know about, but really don’t have the slightest clue about (though, to my credit, I did say that #4 looked feisty and he wound up winning the race). Or as they say in the mob, “never bet on anything youse don’t know the outcome of beforehand.”

So, other than I should never gamble, what else did we learn?

We should have no problem entering Couper or Godiva in the races. We can’t do any worse than most of the competitors. Well, I guess they could run backwards. Or they could attack somebody. Those might be worse. However, in one of the heats, the winner not only ran to its owner at finish line, he kept going. Not around the track, which would have been cool, but over the outside rail and into the park’s outskirts. It took all of the greyhound stewards to track him down. We certainly can’t do worse than that.

We went into this figuring that Godiva would be our racer next year. She is younger, faster, and would actually run to her mommy. Couper is fast, but would really only run if chasing a ball. We figured throwing a ball was illegal, and, not reading any ruled, we still figure it is as none of the people threw one, and most of dachshunds could have used the help. However, there are a couple of things to consider:

• The racers have to wear a racing bib. Godiva hates wearing anything. She still is not thrilled about wearing a collar. When wearing clothes, she practically shuts down. At best she tries to chew herself out of them. We would have to get her used to this or I will have to carry her down the track.
• The starting gate. I am 99% sure that Godiva will get freaked out by this. Basically it is a three walled room and then the front wall goes away to start the race. My guess is that most of the dachshunds that meandered around the starting gate were pissed off about the starting gate and looking for the moron who put them in there.
• The crowd. Godiva may get freaked out by all the people. She gets freaked out and hides when people she has met come to the house. We are not sure how she will react to hundreds of people laughing. On the other hand, Couper would probably try to take them all on.

I have a theory that we could get Couper to race if we have his mommy at the starting line, and she acted like the person next to her was hurting her. He would race down to attack. Yes, it may cost a few innocent people some blood, but we might win a trophy. It all evens out in the end.

So, we have 11 months or so to train and decided which puppy to take. As you can see from the photo to the right, training is well under way. Look out next May!

Happy Daddy's Day!!!

Happy Daddy's Day from the Poop!!!

Rather than write myself a self serving, if not well deserved, tribute, I will relate something that happened just yesterday.

Godiva has been very picky about eating recently. We figure it is one of three things: she is tired of what we are feeding her (which, considering what we feed her and that making it is a four step process, she has little to complain about); she is preoccupied with her new obsession, chasing birds and lizards; she isn't feeling good. She has, for the most part, been her usual feisty self, so we think she is OK, but she has been a little bit more cuddly lately.

So to rule out an upset tummy, we decided to try a trick that has worked with Couper. We take two slices of cheese (which either will eat, no matter how bad they feel) and fill it with Fortiflora, which is a pro biotic (think Activia - "I'm Jamie Lee Curtis, the bloating lady" - Hollywood is so cruel to actresses over 50). Anyhow, it works wonders for Couper, so we figured we would try it just in case Godiva was bloating.

The problem yesterday was with the cheese. One of the packages we had was already open and a few days past the expiration date. I opened it and it looked OK. It smelled OK. So, I decided to try one to make sure it was safe. Think about that for a second. I was the royal taster for our dogs. I'm no sociologist, but I am guessing in many other societies (and many families in our society for that matter) that things are the other way around; dogs do the life or death tasting for the humans. Yes, reason 548 that it is good to be our dogs.

Anyhow, Godiva did eventually eat her food. Couper got a nice unexpected treat (make a Fortiflora and Cheese sandwich for one, you make it for all). And we all made it to Daddy's Day, despite the iffy cheese.

Godiva Gets Potty Trained (By Jove, I Think She’s Got It)

The alleged point of this blog is to document our dogs’ events for future amusement or to use as a learning tool. Say the event is that our puppy is now potty trained. Now say that we got a puppy somewhere down the line (not in the near future, thank you). We could then go back to our blog and find exactly how we accomplished potty training with our previous puppies.

Guess what? You’ll never guess. Not in a million years. Give up? Godiva is potty trained. Unless we ignore her for hours on end, she does all her potties outside now. When she needs to go she either tries to get our attention and/or runs to the back door.

How did we do it?

Well…

/Crickets chirping

Uh, umm, ah…

/Scratches head

I guess it was, nope, wasn’t that…

/Stares blankly into space

I’m not really sure how it happened. It sure was not a planned coherent strategy brilliantly executed. It was likely more a bunch of random crap thrown together that somehow maybe worked. Kind of like Laugh In. So, what is this magical random crap?

• Reward the heck out of her: Whenever she did a potty outside, we immediately rewarded her upon going back inside. It sounds like in and of itself, this would work. It might. Except that we made it confusing. Being softies, we also rewarded her if Couper went outside to go potty and she went along. This sounds like the following, “Good boy Couper for going potty outside. Here’s your yummie. Well, you helped Godiva, you get a yummie too”. Strangely, this somehow led Godiva to believe that she deserved a yummie any time that she went outside. Stranger still, she wants to go outside a lot.
• “Encourage” her when she went potty inside. By encourage I mean, yell, point, say “bad girl”, stick her nose near the mess.
• Take her outside constantly and wait out there until she went potty so that the chances are better that she will go while out there rather than inside.
• Put down a pee pad in the kitchen and hope out of pure random luck she goes on it and likes it. This never really worked. She did hit it once or twice. Sometimes she came close. Usually she just chewed up the pad.

This, strangely, is the same way that Couper got potty trained. Amazingly, like Couper, Godiva demands to be watched while going so that she can be rewarded. Don’t normal people just send their dogs out and assume they went? Normal people are strange.

Godiva One Year Later

As usual, this is late, but on the first of May, Godiva has been with us for a whole year. So what do we know a year later?

• We have documented many times on this blog that Godiva is a serial laundry stealer and finger/toe biter. This has not changed one bit. I think she steals laundry because she knows we will chase her, and she loves being chased. She bites fingers/toes for two reasons (other than they are yummy). One, to get attention. Two, when she has to go potty. Which leads to...
• We are going to be like the networks on election night and declare her potty trained. All the votes aren't in, but the data is definitely leaning towards it. This deserves and will get its own post.
• Couper is getting better with her, but still gets territorial with his mommy and me or his toys. Godiva can be very lovey towards Couper one minute, and then relentlessly chew on him the next. Her new favorite thing to do while Couper and I are cuddling on the sofa watching TV is to creep around the other sofa, poke her head out, and roar like a little Harley at Couper. On cue, he leaps from my lap (which hurts like hell, thank you very much) and chases her around the living room. This is often much more entertaining than what is on TV.
• She still sleeps in her crate in the bedroom, but desperately wants to be like Couper and sleep in the bed. This is also a separate post.

Despite only being with us a year, it is hard to remember her not being with us. Sometimes I will talk about something that happened, say, two years ago and I will say something like, "and we brought the puppies, I mean puppy, we only had Couper then."

So, congratulations on making it a year Godiva. If you are good, we might make it two.

Happy Mommy's Day!!!

Happy Mommy's Day from the Poop! Couper and Godiva want to say thank you to their mommy for all the things she does and all the stuff she puts up with. Sometimes just barely puts up with. She is the nicest dachshund mommy in the whole wide world. They promise, if just for this day, to be good puppies and be super nice to their mommy. As for tomorrow, all bets are off.

DVD Review - Marley and Me

Marley and Me is the film adaptation of the book by John Grogan about the world’s worst dog starring the blond guy with the distracting nose from Wedding Crashers (Owen Wilson) and the popular girl from Friends (Jennifer Aniston). Owen and Jen (we’re all on a first name basis here) are newspaper writers in Florida who buy a discounted yellow lab as a test to see if they are ready to start a family. As it turns out, they buy the world’s worst dog. Marley cannot be controlled and worse yet, Owen and Jen do not seem to want to control him. Marley fails obedience school and then proceeds to destroy the garage, the living room, wedding rings, and baby sitters. Meanwhile, Owen falls ass backward into a newspaper column, and with nothing else to write about, he writes about his insane dog. He gains enough fame and fortune for Jen to quit her job and start a family. All the while, Marley grows older, but never grows up.

It all sounds like good clean fun, and for the most part, it is. However, I had two problems with the movie:

Problem 1. The ending. The movie is roughly 90 minutes long. Watch about the first hour. More specifically, get to the point where the family moves to Pennsylvania and enjoys their first snow fall. At the end of that scene, grab your DVD remote, click stop, eject the DVD, put it in the case, put the case back in your bookshelf, and enjoy your evening. The rest of the movie is Marley gets old, Marley gets sick, and Marley dies.

We saw this in the theater around Christmas when it came out. My sister and her family, including my 8 year old nephew had been out for the week. Of course my nephew loved playing with Couper (and Godiva too) and of course Couper was having the time of his life playing and didn’t know when to stop. By the end of the week Couper was exhausted. He was also throwing up, had diarrhea, and was very lethargic. We were afraid that he hurt his back and/or was having a re-occurrence of stomach problems that had plagued him the previous summer and fall. He was scheduled to see the vet the morning after we went to the movie. So I was already worried about a vet visit and concerned about Couper getting old and/or being hurt.

Right before the movie, we went to the puppy store in the mall. Being that it was Christmas time, I had been in the mall way too many times in the past month. There was a little male dachshund in the store that Couper’s Mommy and I kept seeing. Usually puppies get bought or cycled out, especially around Christmas, but this one was still there. At four months old, he was starting to get a little old for the store. So, when we stopped in the store that night (by law, we have to stop in the puppy store when we go to the mall), there he was again. We were sad that nobody had picked him up for Christmas. However, on the way out, we noticed that a family had taken our little dachshund out of the window and was playing with him in one of the rooms. We spent the next five minutes talking about how we hoped that family bought him.

So, going into the movie, I was already way too emotional about dogs. Finally, as the movie started I had a horrible thought. I remember having read the book and I thought to myself, “Uh oh, I’m not going to like the ending to this”. When I read the book, I stopped reading a scene beyond where I just told you to stop the movie. In that scene Owen and Marley go for their usual walk, but Marley can’t continue half way through and Owen has to carry Marley home. I was reading the book in a public place, and I knew if I read any further I was going to break down. I closed the book, removed the bookmark, brought it home, put it on the bookshelf, and enjoyed my evening.

In the theater, I began getting ahead of the film. How far are they going to go? This is a family film opening on Christmas; they can’t take the story to the end, right? How am I going to make it through this if they do take it to the end? The opening credits weren’t done, and I was already on the verge of crying.

They took it to the end. And I pretty much didn’t make it through it. The last half hour was among the most excruciating half hours I can remember. And even though I was a mess going into the movie, if you don’t cry at the end of this movie, you likely have no soul. Of course the movie spares no opportunity to make sure you cry. My questions to the producers/directors: Did we have to see the injection? Did we have to see Marley being put in the ground? Did we have to see the kids covering him with dirt? Do you even like dogs? Or your audience?

Problem 2. The plot sounds a little familiar does it not? Replace Owen and Jen with me and Couper’s Mommy. Replace writers with whatever it is we do for a living (I forget sometimes). Replace a yellow lab with two dachshunds. Replace a popular award winning newspaper column with a much neglected blog. Replace failing obedience school with passing puppy kindergarten as the only entrant. It is practically the same thing. I demand retribution for the theft of my story!

The theatrical release of Marley and Me made $215M at the box office. That is not including book sales, DVD releases, cable licensing, Pay Per View, and merchandise. What will we do with all that money? Make a movie of course. Since I am sure our new friends at the movie studios do not want to market a film called Couper’s Poop, so we’ll settle on calling it Couper, Godiva, and Us.

Who will we get to star in this blockbuster?

Couper and Godiva: Couper and Godiva. Yes, we are making screen stars out of our puppies. More money in our pockets. Hollywood will have to work their CGI magic to make them puppies. We are not splitting our piece of the pie with high priced doggie actors. Need more money to make it work, sue Grogan again.

Couper’s Mommy: Jennifer Aniston. I know, she played the similar role in Marley and Me. However, Couper’s Mommy likes Jennifer Aniston. I also envision that Jen is at the phase of her career where she plays a string of roles as the girlfriend/wife dog owner; just with different breeds each time.

For fun, let’s fast forward to the red carpet at the 2012 Oscars. Jen and her date Bubbles the Chimp has an accidental meeting with Brad and Angie. I think it goes something like this:

Jen: Excuse me. Oh, hello Brad. Hello Angelina.
Brad: Hi Jen
Angie: Hello Jennifer. Whatever are you doing here?
Jen: I am presenting this year. Best Director for an Animated Short…
Angie: Thanks for asking. Yes I was nominated again. Best Lead Actress for my work in Friends The Movie. I play Rachel Green. The critics adored me...said I brought depth and complexity to a previously dull one-dimensional character. Brad! Eyes front and center! I am the only starlet on the carpet! That Miley Cirus is barely legal! Anyhow, Jennifer, are you still working?
Jen: Um, yes. I just wrapped a movie where I play the wife of a Corgi owner called Corky and I. I start filming a movie next month where I am the wife of a Shih tzu owner called Shitzy and Myself.
Angie: Yes, my dress is stunning, thanks for noticing. It is a…Brad!!! Stop ogling that slut Jessica Alba! She is nothing but a home wrecker!!!
Jen: Yeah, uh, good luck…

Big Buddy: The late Bert Convey. Hollywood is going to have to work its magic again, but really there was nobody as versatile as the underrated Convey. In the 1970s and 80s if you needed someone to play the bad guy on Charlie’s Angels, you called Bert Convey. If were the producers of the Love Boat and you needed a swinging bachelor who had to decide which Landers sister to marry, you called Bert Convey. If you needed somebody to tell a few jokes and belt out a song or two on the Dinah Shore Show, you called Bert Convey. If you needed someone to wear a bad sweater and trade yucks with Dom Deluise on Win Lose or Draw, you called Bert Convey. So in 2010, if you need somebody who can play the owner of two dachshunds, you dig up the late Bert Convey.

We may not actually get such great actors for our film, but no matter what, our film will end better than Marley and Me.

Side Note 1: Couper turned out to be fine. Turns out he was just exhausted and a little dehydrated. Just for good measure, on the morning we were to go to the vet, Godiva had the worst looking diarrhea I ever saw. It was like eight colors. Given all the unknowns that she chews on and eats (pretty much anything she can get her jowls around), it is amazing she does not have diarrhea more often. So, we figured while we were going to the vet, we would bring her along too. She was fine as well. However, her poop cost us an extra $100. Nice timing Godiva!

Side Note 2: The next time we went to the puppy store at the mall, our dachshund puppy was gone. We are sticking with the theory that the family that looked at him that night bought him.

Side Note 3: The only other time I cried openly at the movies also involved my sister. She took me to Snoopy Come Home when I was 6 years old. The plot essentially is that Snoopy is called back by his previous owner, a little girl who is in the hospital. Charlie Brown and the gang have a big farewell party for Snoopy and all the characters start bawling. I completely lost it. My sister had to take me out to the lobby to settle me down. I probably should not be allowed to go to dog movies. The only time I remember weeping after a movie was when I saw Cocktail, and the theater manager would not give me my $5 back.

Side Note 4: This review is based solely on the theatrical release of the movie. I have no plans on getting the DVD. I am fairly certain that I will not be getting it as a present. The DVD may have fun extras or a “Family Cut” or whatever they do to DVDs. I don’t know and will not find out.

Happy 1st Birthday Godiva!!!

One year ago today, God was taking it easy, when the following thought came to him:

You know, there's just not enough mischief in the world today. I don't mean evil mischief or idiots blowing crap up. I know there is more than enough of that stupidity. In fact, I really should get going fixing all that. No, I mean old fashioned honest to goodness fun mischief. Like stealing socks and running around with them. Or chewing things you're not supposed to chew. That kind of mischief. And only a special kind of creature can pull off such fun mischief without it crossing the line to bad mischief. That creature has to be the cutest creature in the whole world. Hey, look, there is a piebald miniature dachshund about to be born down there in Arizona. Her name shall eventually be Godiva and I shall give her the gift of fun mischief. Nobody could ever stay mad at her.

And so, Godiva was born. And try as she may, no matter how much laundry, or worse, that she steals, we can't stay mad at her.

Happy first birthday Godiva from Daddy (Big Buddy), Godiva/Couper's Mommy, and yes, even Couper.

(As it happens, I had to be out of town all week...it is the saddest I have ever been. Even sadder than that time that I ... uh oh, I am quoting The Family Guy... we may have a new saddest ever)